I have mixed feelings about almost everything. In that way, I am made a little crazy by how most people process doubt. I find that so often people assume that, if you are questioning your decision-making, you should take that as a sign that you are making a mistake. That you only know you are making the right move when you can say, "I've never been more sure about anything in my life!" I can't stand the question, "Are you sure about this?" Of course, I'm not. It is my position that, if you are sure of something, you haven't considered all the angles. Every one decision, as I see it, is a million decisions to not do something else. In the immortal words of John Piche', "Everything is a mistake." In so many ways, he's not wrong.
All that is not meant to be as fatalistic as it sounds ... but I do find that it can be either freeing or a burden, depending on the day. Freeing in that it stops you looking to only enact the perfect plan. It's a burden because there are incalculable permutations of every decision to consider ... even as you are picking one you know you haven't even scratched the surface of considering the others.
What does all this have to do my current circumstances? It's that no matter where I am, I can see the merits to being somewhere else. For some reason, the question of place has always weighed heavily on my mind ... more than I think with other people. I am always home and not home at the same time.
I say that as I prepare, in a few days, to sign loan papers to purchase a co-op unit in San Francisco. These loan documents tie me to a piece of property for more money than I thought I would spend on anything ever. In Cleveland, this plain, 1100 sq. feet, box from the 1960s would sell for about $80K these days, I reckon. Well, my friends, not so here ... no, not so here. That's life in the BIG city I guess. Financially, it is long term relationship. How will I feel about this place just based on the idea that I can't easily get away from it? I'll be home and not home.
